I am desperate…

November 12, 2008

The Lord certainly has me in a peculiar place. I want to love Him with all that I am. I want to draw closer to Him and closer to His heart. I want my Christianity to be more than just cliche and conceptual. I want to tarry with Him truly in the garden. I don’t want to be offended at people, I don’t want to be hurt and affected by the way I am treated, I don’t want to desire to be pedestaled and esteemed, I don’t want to hunger for the affection of fallen people, I don’t want to be lead around by my soul.

I don’t want to feel worthless when the things I say don’t have the effect I want them to. I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to feel empty. I don’t want to feel like I am wasting my time in a prayer room. I don’t want to feel like I only have concepts and really have no depth or reality. I don’t want to feel like I have nothing to offer.

What I do want is to encounter the Lord, and He is so faithful to draw me into that place of encounter every day, whether it is gazing upon His impossible to hide attributes of glory, or exploring the depths of my own depravity and brokenness. He is pouring out grace to tarry with Him in the garden. He is helping me draw out of that place of being offended (it is such a long road) and into a place of confidence in my identity because confidence in my identity is really trust in His identity. He is taking me to a place where I will not be hurt and affected by how I am treated, or appear to be treated; not like I am now, where I feel crushed when I seem to be less esteemed than I desire. He is taking me to higher plains and higher mountains of encounter, and in order to follow Him, I have to leave behind so much, and shed so many of my layers, and lay down so much of the things I think I need, and just surrender to His leading. And as elevation increases, so does the depth of my inner communion with Jesus, and Oh the glory of tasting of His beauty in a truly secret place; heights that He alone can lead me to, secret corners of the spiritual realm that are only possible to explore as I abide in His love. He has promised to finish the work that He has started! ARE YOU NOT FAITHFUL OH GOD! TO FINISH THE WORK YOU’VE BEGUN!? ARE YOU NOT ZEALOUS TO PURIFY ME BY YOUR SPIRIT, AND TRULY DRAW ME INTO REALITY AND CONFIDENCE IN LOVE, INTIMACY WITHOUT SHAME! INTIMACY WITHOUT SHAME OH GOD! INTIMACY WITHOUT SHAME! IT IS MY CRY! I AM DESPERATE!

Lord let me not esteem the eyes of men, the reactions of men, the interaction with men, the words of men, the attitudes of men, the estimations of men, the ponderings of men, the thoughts of men, the logic of men, the reasoning of men, the reality of men, the theology of men, the suggestions of men, the influence of men, the sway of men, the pressure of men….

Lord let me not find identity in light of what the temporal realm labels me, and produces in me.
Lord let my identity be found in light of your identity ALONE!

Lord let me not lay my cross down! Let me not fly from suffering! TEACH ME OH GOD! TO FELLOWSHIP IN THIS PLACE OF DESPERATION! TEACH ME TO FELLOWSHIP IN THIS PLACE OF BROKENNESS AND PAIN! THE PLACE OF DEATH AND DISAPPOINTMENT! LET ME FIND COMFORT IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WING! LET ME FIND REST IN THE LOVE OF MY FATHER! TEACH ME TO REST!

The Lord is humbling me, more and more. I am finding I don’t always have the right words. I am finding I am not always the most radical. I am finding I am not always the best person to be around. I am finding I don’t always know the right spiritual response, or solution. I am finding I can’t always laugh people into happiness. I am finding that I am not as sincere as I think I am. I am finding that I am not always the best person for the job. TEACH ME TO GLORY IN MY WEAKNESS OH LORD! TEACH ME THAT YOU ARE NOT DISAPPOINTED THAT I AM A MERE JAR OF CLAY! TEACH ME THAT IT IS OKAY TO BE BROKEN AND EMPTY! I AM SPIRITUALLY POOR! I NEED YOU MORE TODAY THAN I DID YESTERDAY…..HELP! I am desperate….

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2 Responses to “I am desperate…”

  1. ming Says:

    yo wes, thanks for praying for me yesterday. it truly was a blessing from the Lord

    i think the Lord is leading me to share this with you…jeremiah 17:5-9

    hope to see you guys soon!

    btw, those keith green songs rock!

  2. Marie Says:

    Yes, LORD. Bring me to this place of desperation!


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